If you have done this for your relationship, then you may fall into a category that we call Relationship Ambivalent. You just can’t figure it out. Your mate is good, but maybe not great. Things are fine, but you thought they were supposed to be spectacular. There are some very positive points, but some totally awful ones too. You may be over compromising, but doesn’t everyone? You are reaching the point where you either should be on a path to getting married or maybe it’s just time to break up…you’re just confused. Sound familiar?
When a chunk of your attention shifts from being present and enjoying your relationship to trying to figure out whether you should actually be in the relationship, you are in a state of relationship ambivalence.
The pro-con approach seems reasonable as it is something your mom, your friend, and cosmo often recommends. However, how can you pile all the reasons to stay with someone against all the reasons you should leave someone and try to see which scale outweighs the other when those components are constantly shifting? With this approach, pros and cons come in and out of the picture. Moreover, quantifying or giving weight to subjective things will simply get you more lost. Does his charm with your friends outweigh his inability to keep his promise to take the garbage out? Does your physical attraction to her outweigh her lack of ambition and employment? Who knows?! I don’t think you will find table to assign units of measurement to these items, so just put the pen down!
We need to look at fundamentals and ask some very specific questions to help assess whether you should stay in this relationship. See Should you break up based on The Pro – Con List? Part II.
Tagged as:
Confused,
ProCon List,
Should we Break Up
You have finally decided to untie the knot and get a divorce. Are you overwhelmed by the legalities of dissolving your marriage? Here are few tips on maintaining your financial sanctity before and thru the process:
1. Try to settle your case without litigation. Depending upon the nature of your relationship, you may be able to do this if it is an amicable divorce. If it is not, interview three or more attorneys who have five to 10 years of experience in family law. You are seeking someone who understands the value of settling quickly while at the same time is willing to fight for you before a judge.
2. Organize your financial statement. Getting your finances in order before a divorce is essential. After all, divorce comes down to dividing marital assets. Therefore, you must do two things: determine what you own and determine what you owe.
3. Determine your joint income. This is easily accomplished when your spouse is employed by someone else. In this case, you can obtain his or her pay stubs. If he or she is self-employed it becomes more difficult. Then you must obtain bank statements, financial statements, income tax statements, and the like. You might have to consult your attorney who will go through the discovery process to obtain the necessary documentation.
4. Prepare an after divorce budget. Be careful when you do this. You are fully aware of what it costs to run a household when you were married. Calculate what it will cost you to run the household when you are divorced. Do not underestimate so that you will not be able to cover all bills. This aspect of the divorce process is important as it relates to the marital settlement when the judge divides the assets.
5. Establish credit. If you paid for things before in his/her name, now is the time to establish credit for yourself. You may need it for emergencies.
6. Protect financial accounts. If you have joint accounts, and you fear your spouse will go in and withdraw the assets, it is time to withdraw monies and put it in your name. The same holds true for money market and investment accounts. Either withdraw them or freeze them. Keep track of your financial transactions as you will be held accountable.
7. Close joint credit accounts. You should do this before your partner in anger runs of charges that you will not be able to pay for. Try to negotiate a deal with the creditor to pay off a smaller amount so you can close it. If you can not come to an agreement to close the account, put a freeze on it.
8. Remain in the marital home. If you continue to contribute towards mortgage payments, you will have a better shot at property distribution if you do not move out. If you have kids, it provides a healthier environment if you stay there. Consult your attorney for further advice.
9. Behave yourself! This might be silly advice, but bad behavior can work against you when it comes to custody of the children and owning the house. Be responsible, do not neglect your kids, and act wisely.
Tagged as:
Divorce,
Financials,
How To
If you plan on breaking up with someone who is violent, rest assured, you are doing the right thing. You cannot die of a broken heart, but you can from a violent partner. The thing about violent partners is that sometimes their violence is latent and only comes out on occasions. You may not know your partner is violent until you break up with them. That is why you cannot take chances with violent partners. They are not safe to be around during good times, nonetheless during a break up.
I went out with a man for eight years. He never got violent with me until he found out I went out with someone else. He got violent with the guy, and I had to break up with him once and for all.
If you sense your partner will get violent, meet them in a public place. This might not even deter them from throwing something at you, but it is safer than inviting them to your place. If you have a car or suitcase, bring their possessions because you do not want this person over your house again. Meet in a place that is equidistant from each other so you are not tempted one last fling. A park is a good place to meet. You do not have to worry about the bill, drinking or a public audience.
Once you meet, lay all your cards on the table. Tell him or her you can not tolerate their abusive behavior anymore, possessiveness/jealousy, cheating—whatever the case may be. You do not want to be friends either. Sometimes, we cannot be friends with our ex’s. It is impossible. Shake hands, give them their stuff, and split as fast as you can.
Once you get home, you have business to take care of. Change your locks immediately. Chances are your partner has the key and will not relinquish it. They will come knocking if the break up was sudden. My ex came barging in to my apartment to steal a fax machine he gave me. I needed it for work and took it with me into the bedroom. I could hear him getting violent in the next room. So do not do as I did. Change your locks immediately. Also, change your phone number. You do not want to be tempted by his/her sweet voice, and you do not want to hear from them again. When you break up with someone who is violent, you must play it on the safe side. Worry about the cost and inconvenience later.
Tagged as:
Abusive,
How To
Even during non-marital relationships, infidelity is a relationship killer. Unless you have an open relationship where partners are permitted to have other lovers, relationships and marriages often break up because of infidelity.
It is only natural to be possessive of your lover and your lover’s body. After all, sex is the most intimate of actions when you lay open both body and soul. To have someone violate your intrinsic trust in protecting that relationship can be devastating.
However, infidelity does not necessarily have to break up a relationship. In my brother’s case, his fling with a prominent musician led to a s*** or get off the pot ultimatum, and it led to his marriage. In my case, I had an eight year relationship with a man who had other lovers. My step brother cheated on his wife, his wife found out, but they sought counseling and are working it out. In other words, there are steps the guilty party can take to get over their infidelity if they want to salvage the relationship.
Confess! Confess your affair, but reaffirm your love for your partner. Be honest and forthright about all your actions. Tell him the facts about your relationship with the other person. Lay your cards on the table.
Account for your time. Once you have established your intentions to be honest about your activities, learn to report to your partner about how you spend your time so he/she will not be accusatory.
Spend as much time as possible with your spouse. After you have ended your affair with the other person, spend as much time as possible with your spouse. Forget about the nights out with the girls/boys. You have a relationship to preserve. Show him/her how much you love him/her by buying something personal. You might say you can’t buy me love, but given the right circumstances, it can be meaningful. When together, be attentive. Give your spouse your undivided attention. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time you spend with him/her that counts.
No, the relationship will probably never be the same after the infidelity. The cheated upon goes through withdrawal, depression and will forever have trust issues. The purity of the relationship is violated—it’s like getting a stain on a white article of clothing. It does not come out entirely, but it fades after repeated washings.
Tagged as:
Cheating,
Confused,
Infidelity,
Should we Break Up
You are in an unhealthy relationship. That is, you think you are in an unhealthy relationship. However, you have decided to stay together hoping it will get better. There are certain myths about relationships that exist that will clarify your expectations. If you examine these myths, you may find that your relationship is not as bad as you think.
Myth #1! A great relationship depends upon like-minded souls. Remember, you are two different people. You are not Siamese twins. You are physically, emotionally, and mentally different.
Myth #2! A great romance necessitates romance. Do not expect the infatuation stage of initially falling in love. Likewise, for the tantric sex. A little romance always helps, but it is necessary to move on to the next step when the thrill is gone.
Myth #3! A great relationship necessitates the ability to solve problems. Don’t expect to resolve the differences between you. You are two separate people with two sets of beliefs of values. Most differences between partners are never resolved. Just agree to disagree and move on.
Myth #4! A great relationship necessitates common interests that tie you together. It is o.k. to have different interests. Just do not foist them on your partner. Respect his or her interests.
Myth #5! A great relationship is peaceful. Arguments are part of any relationship. It is healthy to argue so long as you do not attack the other’s worth in the process. Also, try not to raise your voice and yell. And do not get violent.
Myth #6! A great relationship lets you vent your emotions. If you let your feelings out all the time, you might say something that is hurtful and that you will regret. It will also most probably be used against you at a later time. Repression is part of life and so it is part of a relationship.
Myth #7! A great relationship does not necessarily involve sex. Do not underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. It provides in the late Marvin Gaye’s words, “Sexual Healing.” If there is not enough for either partner, something is wrong.
Myth #8! A great relationship cannot survive a problematic mate. Remember, no one is perfect, and as long as you understand the flaws of your partner, you will be all right.
Myth #9! There is a right way and a wrong way to a great relationship. There are no rules, books, or standards to follow other than those you create yourselves. Do not compare yourselves with other couples. As my mother said, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.”
Myth #10! To have a great relationship you must change your partner. Never think you can change your partner. The key to a healthy relationship is to accept him/her as they are.
Tagged as:
Break Up,
Confused,
Should we Break Up
One of the first steps to take when you decide to get a divorce is to retain a good divorce lawyer. He/she must be someone who can stand up for your rights in court and get the best settlement possible. You might want someone with a bedside manner or you might want a legal whiz. In any case, it must be someone you can trust. Follow these tips when choosing a good divorce lawyer:
- Make certain the attorney specializes in family law. Do not use the same attorney as your husband as that would be a conflict of interest, and you would not be best represented.
- Seek referrals through friends and family, your state bar association or online. There are many directories online that help you seek attorneys.
Set up appointments to interview those you have found. Determine if you feel comfortable with him/her and whether he/she will do the job. Ask the following questions:
- How many years of experience do you have?
- How many clients do you represent? Ask for references.
- Are you a member of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers?
- How much time will my divorce take? Ask about the general steps he/she will take on your behalf. This will give you an approximation.
- How can I reach you? Discuss whether he/she will return phone calls, the best time to call, how many appointments will be necessary, if he/she is available in an emergency. You want to determine how accessible this attorney will be in terms of meeting your needs.
- How much will it cost? Ask how he/she bills including all filing fees, hourly charges, and retainers.
- Will you or an associate be handling my case? If you are interviewing a high power attorney, and your divorce is uncomplicated, he/she may utilize a paralegal. In this case, you can save money because their hourly fees are lower.
- What do you think the best route is—settlement or litigation? If he/she is a good negotiator, you may be able to settle out of court which would lower the cost of the divorce.
- Do you use a retainer? Most attorneys have you sign retainer agreements which stipulate their hourly fee and what they intend to do on your behalf. It is like a contract between you and him/her. Read it carefully, and keep a copy.
Tagged as:
Divorce,
Divorce Lawyers,
How To
Honor how you feel - let the pain come and feel it. Whether you are curled up in bed or out with friends, when the pain sweeps over you – let it. If you feel like talking about it, do so. If you are repeating yourself, find the friend who has done the same to you and vent. It is important to feel this pain and walk right thru it. The other option is to block it out and return to it later; as long as you understand the pain is not going anywhere until it is processed. I promise after you talk, cry, rant, scream, and sit thinking in silence about what you are missing and how you are hurt, you are on the path to recovery. When it returns again just rinse and repeat – this time will pass.
Know that hearts heal - no matter how much you do not believe this. No matter how down you are, how close to feel to the edge, just know this time will pass. Time and friends and family, but mostly time will heal your wounds. If you have lost someone even to death and are grieving their loss, if you cannot imagine a time where you will not feel such intense pain, please remember there are others in the world who have been in your place and who have gotten thru it. The common denominator in the healing is time. Can you speed up the process? Sure. Here are some helpful steps.
Music - listen to it, find the album. I don’t want to detract from this post with a bunch of neurological jargon about how music pulls at our heartstrings. I’d rather you just give it a go when you are feeling down. Music has a power, more than words to feel and heal your pain.
Writing - write it out, write it out. I’m sure you’ve heard the tip about writing out a letter to your ex and not sending it. Even if it doesn’t immediately seem to have a healing effect, it organizes your thoughts and helps make a matter of the heart more a matter of the head. Your logic will help heal – use it! Let’s say your break up just doesn’t make sense to you, then that is what you write. Why not send it? Because this time is about healing yourself and sending the letter would go against that initiative. If you are intent on mailing or emailing what you’ve written out, I recommend waiting at least 5 days after writing it to revisit what you’ve written. 5 days won’t change much between you and your ex, however, it may provide a world of difference to your perspective.
Reading – start. If you don’t feel like investing in a book, use the internet as a resource. Remember misery loving company? Not exactly how I would put it, but it is a comfort to know there are others going thru the same process.
Everyday add one thing to your day that makes you happy. If you can’t imagine that word in your life right now, search back thru memories. Childhood, a high school dance, a trip you took, an incredible meal you had and savor that memory for 5-10 minutes a day. If you have a hobby such as collecting antiques or blogging or anything – indulge in it. If you don’t feel like, force yourself to do it for 5-10 minutes minimum per day.
Exercise – try for at least 20 minutes a day. As for myself, I don’t have the urge to exercise even when I’m in a happy place. When I’m going thru a break up, even less so. So how do you do it? Know that your mind is very strong. It has capabilities and an arsenal of tools to defend your heart that you may not even be aware of. Use them. Tell yourself you are going to workout and just do it. I promise you’ll feel a little better.
Fake it until you make it. Smile – even if it’s not genuine, it has been scientifically proven to release endorphins and relieve some stress. Go out with friends against any little voice in your head telling you that you won’t enjoy yourself. Comfort yourself with things that are comforting to you (mac n cheese, sex and the city, a little shopping)…
You’re on your way, I promise.
Tagged as:
After a Breakup,
Broken Hearted,
Relationship Advice
Paul Simon sings about “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” It is a whimsical song with a serious message. Breaking up is not an easy thing to do, but choosing the right way can make it easier on both of you: the dumper and the dumpee. Let us look at the worst ways of breaking up with someone. Sometimes, knowing what you should not do leads you to the path of righteousness.
Do not contact the person at work!! This is the worst way to break up with someone, especially if it is out of the blue. My ex IMed me at work that she was leaving me, and I nearly passed out. I was unable to function the rest of the day, and got seriously ill afterwards. Have respect for your partner, and do not e-mail, phone or contact him/her at work.
Please do not just disappear. This is also a horrible way to break up. Everyone deserves an explanation as to what went wrong, why, and also a good-bye. You have shared intimate moments with this person and spent precious time with him/her. He/she deserves an official good-bye. I had a long distance relationship with a guy, and just got my letters to him returned to me by the post office. I never knew what happened to him. After six years of waiting for him, I felt I deserved something more.
Ok, definitely do not just send an e-mail. E-mail can be cold and impersonal and you do not get a chance to see the person’s facial expression. You cannot respond, and you are alone with your thoughts of vengeance and anger. It is rude and inconsiderate.
Don’t go on a date to break up. Breaking up in a restaurant can be very humiliating. Not only does the whole restaurant hear your personal business, but you are stuck at the table with your dumper who has you as a captive audience telling you what a horrible mate you are. I had someone do this to me, and I was nauseous.
NO WAY! Do not stand them up. This is also rude and mean. Setting a date and intentionally standing that person up to indicate to them that you do not want to see them anymore is not nice.
Oh god -Do not avoid them. This is a case of cowardice. Confront your lover when you want to end it. Like Tom Petty sings, “Waiting is the Hardest Part,” and your lover is probably waiting to hear from you as well as worrying about you.
Tagged as:
Break Up,
How To,
Relationship Advice