If you go in and out of the same person’s life over and over then you may fall into a category that we call Relationship Ambivalent. You just can’t figure it out. Your mate is good, but maybe not great. Things are fine, but you thought they were supposed to be spectacular. There are some very positive points, but some totally awful ones too. You may be over compromising, but doesn’t everyone? You are reaching the point where you either should be on a path to getting married or maybe it’s just time to break up…you’re just confused. Sound familiar?

When a chunk of your attention shifts from being present and enjoying your relationship to trying to figure out whether you should actually be in the relationship, you are in a state of relationship ambivalence.

The pro-con approach seems reasonable as it is something your mom, your friend, and cosmo often recommends. However, how can you pile all the reasons to stay with someone against all the reasons you should leave someone and try to see which scale outweighs the other when those components are constantly shifting? With this approach, pros and cons come in and out of the picture. Moreover, quantifying or giving weight to subjective things will simply get you more lost. Does his charm with your friends outweigh his inability to keep his promise to take the garbage out? Does your physical attraction to her outweigh her lack of ambition and employment? Who knows?! I don’t think you will find table to assign units of measurement to these items, so just put the pen down!

We need to look at fundamentals and ask some very specific questions to help assess whether you should stay in this relationship. See Should you break up based on The Pro – Con List? Part II.

If you really love your ex and believe they were your soulmate and truly want to get back together, click here.

]]> http://breakingup.net/should-you-break-up-based-on-the-pro-%e2%80%93-con-list-part-i/feed/ 0 http://breakingup.net/infidelity-does-anyone-get-over-it/ http://breakingup.net/infidelity-does-anyone-get-over-it/#comments Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:06:23 +0000 Janet T http://smartbreakups.com/?p=25 Even during non-marital relationships, infidelity is a relationship killer. Unless you have an open relationship where partners are permitted to have other lovers, relationships and marriages often break up because of infidelity.

It is only natural to be possessive of your lover and your lover’s body. After all, sex is the most intimate of actions when you lay open both body and soul. To have someone violate your intrinsic trust in protecting that relationship can be devastating.

However, infidelity does not necessarily have to break up a relationship. In my brother’s case, his fling with a prominent musician led to a s*** or get off the pot ultimatum, and it led to his marriage. In my case, I had an eight year relationship with a man who had other lovers. My step brother cheated on his wife, his wife found out, but they sought counseling and are working it out. In other words, there are steps the guilty party can take to get over their infidelity if they want to salvage the relationship.

Confess! Confess your affair, but reaffirm your love for your partner. Be honest and forthright about all your actions. Tell him the facts about your relationship with the other person. Lay your cards on the table.

Account for your time. Once you have established your intentions to be honest about your activities, learn to report to your partner about how you spend your time so he/she will not be accusatory.

Spend as much time as possible with your spouse. After you have ended your affair with the other person, spend as much time as possible with your spouse. Forget about the nights out with the girls/boys. You have a relationship to preserve. Show him/her how much you love him/her by buying something personal. You might say you can’t buy me love, but given the right circumstances, it can be meaningful. When together, be attentive. Give your spouse your undivided attention. It is not the quantity of time but the quality of time you spend with him/her that counts.

No, the relationship will probably never be the same after the infidelity. The cheated upon goes through withdrawal, depression and will forever have trust issues. The purity of the relationship is violated—it’s like getting a stain on a white article of clothing. It does not come out entirely, but it fades after repeated washings.

Myth #1! A great relationship depends upon like-minded souls. Remember, you are two different people. You are not Siamese twins. You are physically, emotionally, and mentally different.

Myth #2! A great romance necessitates romance. Do not expect the infatuation stage of initially falling in love. Likewise, for the tantric sex. A little romance always helps, but it is necessary to move on to the next step when the thrill is gone.

Myth #3! A great relationship necessitates the ability to solve problems. Don’t expect to resolve the differences between you. You are two separate people with two sets of beliefs of values. Most differences between partners are never resolved. Just agree to disagree and move on.

Myth #4! A great relationship necessitates common interests that tie you together. It is o.k. to have different interests. Just do not foist them on your partner. Respect his or her interests.

Myth #5! A great relationship is peaceful. Arguments are part of any relationship. It is healthy to argue so long as you do not attack the other’s worth in the process. Also, try not to raise your voice and yell. And do not get violent.

Myth #6! A great relationship lets you vent your emotions. If you let your feelings out all the time, you might say something that is hurtful and that you will regret. It will also most probably be used against you at a later time. Repression is part of life and so it is part of a relationship.

Myth #7! A great relationship does not necessarily involve sex. Do not underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. It provides in the late Marvin Gaye’s words, “Sexual Healing.” If there is not enough for either partner, something is wrong.

Myth #8! A great relationship cannot survive a problematic mate. Remember, no one is perfect, and as long as you understand the flaws of your partner, you will be all right.

Myth #9! There is a right way and a wrong way to a great relationship. There are no rules, books, or standards to follow other than those you create yourselves. Do not compare yourselves with other couples. As my mother said, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.”

Myth #10! To have a great relationship you must change your partner. Never think you can change your partner. The key to a healthy relationship is to accept him/her as they are.

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